But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unfathomable How many more years can I go on like this? How many more months? Today was another hard day. I finally fell asleep around 3:00am, waking up every few minutes, mouth parched, heading to the kitchen for any fluids, and immediately to the bathroom to urinate all the glucose ridden pee from lack of insulin. Good-bye nutrition, good-bye source of life. When I finally did manage to stay awake I decided I wasn't going to eat today. What is the point? I don't deserve it. I don't keep it in. It destroys my body. It harms my mind. But all vows of fasting are gone... My mom. By dinnertime she was pissed. So I gave in. I ate. And I was weak. So that was also a solution. I also made them breakfast, which they can microwave in the morning: Two muffins, one blueberry, one poppyseed, eggs, peeled oranges, and a pat of butter wrapped in wax paper. Binge, skip the insulin. Parched mouth, pastry piss, sugars so high the meter can't read, yet you know you won't die tonight. You never do. Drink more, run to the bathroom. My brother is going to be home all day tomorrow. He got kicked out of school. For bad grades and a bad attitude. I will have to stay in my room, stay out of his way. He scares me more than anyone I know... I must confess. We have mice in our house. They come in through the dog door. And they got into the bread.They left their feces on it. They ate holes into a few slices. Those were the slices I ate. Those were the slices I deserved. And now I feel incredibly disgusted with myself, so much so that I might become physically ill from the fact. Weak, walking, legs about to give out. Heart, racing, when will it stop? This body, I do not know it, I do not own it, but I live in it, and it is killing me softly. No Control... My Soul Has Left 12:05 a.m. - 2004-02-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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