But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Falling Apart Another doctor's appointment today. I was finally given a refill for my Zofran, and also put on Protonix and Reglan for my stomach. If that doesn't work to cure my severe nausea and acid reflux, I will have to get even more tests done. The doctor said that I have symptoms of gastreoperesis, most likely from nerve damage to my stomach from purging and uncontrolled diabetes. "I am too young for this." "I know you are..." Dr. Lusk said. I ended up bingeing when I came home, after Stephanie told me for the second time in a row that she had to cancel our plans to go out to dinner because she had to study. I ended up eating about four cups of lasagna, 10 merangue cookies, one cup of M&Ms, two cups of ice cream, and a banana with peanut butter. Afterwards I tried to purge, but my ear felt like it was going to explode. (My ear infection.) Almost nothing came up, so I lay on the couch like a bloated pig, feeling that death would be welcome at that point. I had to call Tali and explain how I can't move because if I do I will lose my medical insurance, and be over two million in debt. At this I almost started to cry, because I don't know how I can stay in this town, in this house, under this roof and still survive. But how can I move, when I am so sick? I am afraid to check my blood sugar. I know that the meter will flash "HI" but I want to deny it. To pretend that I do not have a problem, even though the consumption of 24 Diet Cokes in the last four hours would prove otherwise. Life so bitter, eyes so sad, dry as the desert sand, all tears gone, vanquished, so paint on a smile, shove everything down, nothing really matters, everything is lost, time is the only thing there is... And it is unnatainable. 2:00 a.m. - 2003-11-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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