But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Exterminate the Drain Someone wrote in my guestbook about how working as a candy striper on an oncology unit made them "Snap out of their anorexia and realize how gross 75 pounds looked." For some reason this sent a jab of pain straight to my heart. I don't want to be this way. I hate it. I hate not being able to crawl out of bed until mid-afternoon, knowing that the day has gone by, that I couldn't go to regular public school if someone bribed with even a new car, I hate knowing that I could sink into an osmolar coma at any time, I hate waking up during the night because my breathing is too labored... I hate that people feel that this is just a fetish. That I can snap out of it. I have had over twenty admissions to medical hospitals, and I have spent many days on the oncology unit for lack of beds. I feel terribly guilty for wasting space. I promise you, it isn't my choice to have no energy, to have missed my prom, to have lost friends, to feel so ill all the time. It hurts to live. Physically. It hurts to live knowing that I am a two million dollar drain on society thus far. A lump. Someone who should be exterminated. Maybe we will all get lucky. Maybe I will perish in the night. 10:15 p.m. - 2003-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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