But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hang On One year has passed. Today, October 13th, the day that turned my life upside down, made me afraid to be alone with men, the day that killed part of my spirit. How am I surviving today? I don't know. The selfish me got upset because my mom went out to lunch with her friends, and my brother had a bunch of his friends over. All I could think was, "How can they celebrate a day like today? How can they have fun when I am so miserable?" I slept most of the day away. I didn't want to see anyone. I didn't want to hear anyone. I didn't want to be... I fought back tears on the way to therapy. A hard lump sat in my throat. I realize that I cannot go on like this or I will die. My every thought is consumed with food. My every action is stuffing food in my mouth, than ridding my body of it. I look in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate who I am. I hate how I am going nowhere and doing nothing. My therapist says we don't really do "therapy" She says that I have so much built up inside of me, so much hurt and pain that we can't really do therapy. That when she tries to I seem not to show up the next week. That I get more sick. I feel as if one more thing will break me. That I will shatter into a million pieces, that the sound of broken glass will penetrate the air and deafen all those within hearing range. I feel so dead. How am I still here? My sugars are high, I am losing my vision again, and I am weak. Sick and weak. I cannot go on like this. I have to change something. I only go on because of you. Those of you who sign my g-book, leave me notes... I know you care because you don't have to and yet you do. You don't have any financial investment in me, you don't want anything from me, except to be well. And you are why I hang on... Thank you for helping me to hang on. 9:11 p.m. - 2003-10-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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