But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trying... I haven't purged all day. I am so happy but I am very anxious as well. I ended up bingeing at around 4:00pm after I vowed to only eat 1,200 calories and take my insulin. So much for vows... I realized that I either binge or fast. There isn't really a middle ground anymore. I hate that. I hate this eating disorder. I am so scared that it will eventually kill me. My vision is going bad again. The doctors say it is from poor nutrition, not my diabetes. I disagree. I am sure it is from my diabetes. They cannot imagine how high I let my blood sugars run, and I am too afraid to tell them. I realized that I have lost seventeen pounds in the past five or so weeks. I gained ten after leaving Center for Discovery, and then I lost that plus another seven. Yet I am still not satisfied... I wish I could maintain. It is always gain or lose. Gain by bingeing, losing by constantly having my head in the toilet bowl. I am so tired. Tired mentally, tired physically. So I sleep. I sleep and I have dreams that I die, and I find myself in Heaven. This happens all the time. My teacher commented that I am getting "Puny" again. She asked if my health was getting bad. I dodged around that question by saying, "Ummm... I had to stop one of my heart medications because it was making me pass out." It was the truth. It wasn't the answer she was looking for, but it seemed to satisfy her. Thank you all for your support. I am appreciative beyond words. 7:05 p.m. - 2003-10-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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