But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Insulin Dreams I walk down the street in complete darkness. No one is around. I go to meet my friend, who is also diabetic. She sits in her car, waiting for me. We go to the house where we are supposed to be baby-sitting. Her blood sugar is high, and I need an injection. She brought none of her supplies, as usual. I go to take an injection first, and draw up air. Suddenly I realize there is blood in the syringe from the last injection I took. It fills the vial of insulin, making it completely useless. We are both in the middle of nowhere, no one to help us, no way to get insulin. I attempt to take a shot, and blood spurts everwhere across the family's table. Nicole stares at me, as if to say, "What are we going to do now? We have to be here for a week. We will die without any insulin." I wake up, stomach churning, mouth of cotton. I somehow find my way into the kitchen, to the insulin, to the syringes, and draw up nine units of Novalog. I know that if I do not I will vomit, and if I vomit I won't be able to stop, and, because I am already throwing excessive ketones with a very high glucose, I will have to go in the hospital. I used to be so resiliant. My body could handle anything. Now the slightest abuse can topple my strength, make me weaker, kill something I once took for granted. My vision is blurry from a few high sugars. It used to take at least three weeks. To clarify, for those of you who question my actions, as stupid as they are, skipping your insulin, if you skip enough, no matter how much you eat if you are a type I diabetic, makes it impossible to gain weight. It also runs more medical complications and a higher risk of death than ommiting any other medication, which is why it is not recommended. I hate doing it, yet, like taking a breath of air, it is addicting... A game of Russian roulette with each time you win you recieve millions of dollars. Dangerous, but so tempting that it overpowers all reasonable judgement. I am truly trying, as much as it may seem like I am not. I ate breakfast, took some insulin after much debate, and did not purge. I will do this, I won't let any of you down. You keep me going, my supports. P.S- If anyone can get some cool banners going for me and upload some pics that I will send along with an online web counter, cursor trail, and my i-mood thing connected, I will send you at least $20, we can negotiate.... 9:06 a.m. - 2003-09-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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