But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Broke Down Lycos Mail is down, and has been for four days... I am getting rather antzy. I finally broke down. I ate a salad, some bread, cereal, and chocolate soy. Too much. I paced back and forth, trying to think of some other thing to do but purge, anything... Finally I gave in. Three fingers down my throat, a few simple seconds of agony... and it is over. The colors swirl before my misty eyes. I am not who I was, but I am who I want not to be. When did it become so easy? Would it be better if it was hard? Mom came home around 10:00am. I broke down, begging her to let me leave. She yelled at me, and I began to cry. I know I will die if I stay here. I told her everything. How I was drunk, how I apparently did some unmentionable things, how sad I am... How I want to die. She told me that it would probably be best if I moved away for a bit. Thank God. I am leaving. I am moving to Sacramento. My vision is blurry again. I promise to try though. I never had the intentions of letting any of you down. I will become a doctor! I will dedicate my life to helping others. I will be healthy.... I will. And my weight has shifted ten pounds in a week... Up and down, the yo-yo. At night it is so cold, so still, so quiet. At those moments I shut my eyes, drift off, and when I am still I feel what I do not want to, and I am more lonely and scared than ever before. 3:33 p.m. - 2003-09-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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