But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Failure In So Many Ways Stuffed so much that I can barely breathe, I head out to the backyard to throw up. I jam three fingers down my throat, but my gag reflex is gone. I stuff my whole hand down my throat and punch my stomach. Little bits of salsa and taco shells come up. Finally, after 20 minutes and feeling less bloated, I walk into the house. "Never again, never again." I feel something crawling on my leg. I try and shake it out. I go into the bathroom and take off my pants. A roach crawls out. Dizzy, I sink to the floor and watch it in complete disgust. I have to be thin. I am disgusting. My body has been smothered in layers of fat. I gained two pounds today. Two whole pounds! I am 95 pounds. Absolutely disgusting. A being unworthy of life. I have 12 days before I go to Center for Discovery. All the other girls will look at me in disgust and wonder why I am there. I am not worthy. I got an 88% on one section of my English today. I am furious with myself. How could I do that? I have never gotten below an A on any section. How could I be so stupid, so careless? I should have been more careful, more alert. I need to focus. My insulin intake is almost non-existent. I am guilty of mass consumption. I own a hunger which is insatiable. 10:45 p.m. - 2003-03-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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