But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trauma and Drama I was so cruel today. "Wake up Gwennie. We are going shopping remember?" "No, I don't want to go." "We planned it though. Remember? You wanted to go to Mervyn's 13-hour sale?" "Not anymore. Leave me alone." I flip over. "So are you planning to just sleep all day?" "Yep." "No you aren't. Get up. You need to get out of this house." "No! Go away. Leave me be." Upset, she leaves. "Fine Tong. I just thought we were going to have a fun day." Guiltily, I get up. I walk to the scale. 102.5 "Mom, I can't go anywhere this fat." I start to cry. "I am so ugly. I am not going anywhere until I lose this weight." I am really crying by now. "Gwennie, it is just water weight. You are still puffy." We do go. I look at every girl my age, trying to avoid anyone I might know, looking to see who is thinner than me. They all are. I want to die. I grab some size 3 jeans. They hang of me. Impossible. I am too fat. They should be tight. I grab size zeros. They fit perfectly. I decide to go with size 3. If I am going into treatment they will make me gain weight. I decide I can wear them with a belt. I end up buying four shirts and three pairs of jeans. We spend $193.00. I feel so ashamed. Our next stop is Stater Brothers. There are a bunch of bakery items on sale. I was going to fast but the sales overwhelm me. They are too good to pass up. I grab a big bag of oatmeal raisin cookies that are reduced from $5.99 to $1.00. I can't resist. I begin to eat them in the store. I look around to make sure no one sees me eating. We go home. My brother has eaten all the pizza. There was 3/4 of a large pizza, and he ate it all for lunch. When I ask him why he says, "Gwen, how many times have you eaten all the good food in this house? You always eat everything." "Well I put it away! I made sure it was in the fridge!" He smirks. I go off on him. I throw a grocery bag at him and start punching him, tears running down my face. "You make fun of me for everything! When I got raped you told all your friends so it even got back to my high school! Everyone knows! How can you get on me for eating all the food when you went and told everyone that I got raped? I have no reputation! I used to be such a goody goody! Everyone said so. Now I am a slut. Some people think I am a liar! How could you do that to me?" My mom drags me off. "Gwen, quit it! Your brother didn't mean to hurt you!" He storms out the front door. "See ya, I'm leaving." I cry and run to the bathroom. I jam my whole hand down my throat. Acid and oatmeal cookies shoot out. Everything blurs. I lie on the bathroom floor, crying and shaking. My mom says, "Gwen, it isn't your brother's fault! He didn't do this to you!" I say, "Yea, he didn't tell the whole world to ruin me right?" "Gwen, you are mad at everyone but the person you should be mad at. That is why we need family therapy." "Screw family therapy! You won't admit that Alex is ever wrong!" I have to go take the brownies out of the oven. I eat half the pan. Binge, purge, sleep. Mom goes to the bookstore. Alex comes home. We ignore each other for the rest of the night. Finally he starts a conversation to ask me what the movie "Superstar" is about. He invites four friends over. "Hi Alex's sister." I can only reply with a nod. I can barely react to anything. I am so tired, so weak. My blood sugar must be very high. Yesterday at the lab I was 613 and felt fine. My doctor was not happy, nor was my mom. I realize I am close to an osmolar coma when I am high enough to feel it. I don't care. Please, just let my death be peaceful... 12:28 a.m. - 2003-03-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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