But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Binge Another Day Tonight has been a constant binge and purge cycle. My mom baked lasagna. She also brought home three pieces of pizza from her meeting. My grandma sent up angelfood cake and ribs. They went to the store and bought whipped cream, caremel, and hot pockets. Then, to top it all off, my mom baked an apple pie. You have not had an apple pie until you have had my mom's apple pie. It is the best in the world. I have eaten 2/3 of it. It is taking all my strength to not go in there and finish what is left in the pan. I must remind myself of the misery that comes afterwards. Three times tonight I have wrapped myself in my robe, grabbed a towel, and headed out behind the pool. It is freezing and windy. Barf came shooting out of my nose and throat. It landed on my adorable slippers, robe, and pants. The third time outside the wind blew lasagna chunks and soda all over me. I was drenched in my own puke. I cannot go through that again. I binged so much each time that I looked seven months pregnant. I could barely breathe. I am once again hungry. After everything I am not satisfied. I have an insatiable hunger. Nothing can fill it. Here is what I ate in an attempt to fill my soul, here is what made me feel more empty and sad than ever: 1 angelfood cake 5 cups lasagna 2 hot pockets 20 mini tootsie rolls 2/3 apple pie 3 cups cool whip 1 cup caremel sauce 4 chocolate shakes 2 strawberry yogurts 5 milk n' cereal bars 2 popsicles 1 Toblerone bar 1 Stawberry shake 10 oatmeal cookies And to top it all off, 4 liters of Diet Sunkist and 22 cans of Diet Black Cherry soda. At therapy my therapist said it would be really great if I could stay out until September because that would mean that I would have avoided residential for a whole year. Whoopie! She said that I know how to keep myself healthy enough to avoid it, that I seem to only make myself go IP because I want to get out of my house. I kept a smiling face on, but inside I was screaming. I wanted to yell, "You think I enjoy this? I hate it! I can't stand another day of this. It is not my idea of fun to go out in the frigid air, have puke shooting out of my nose and splattering all over me! I would rather die than do this another day! I hold on only because there is a chance someone out there can help!" My nurse looked at Center for Discovery. She thinks it looks like a good program. Thank God someone supports me going. My therapist confuses me. One day she says it is a good idea, the next "Well why not see how long you can stay out." Yea, when I have doctors telling me I might not wake up the next morning. Gee, great idea. I need my life back. I need energy. I can't go on like this. I am 96 pounds. It has gotten me nothing. No one loves me for it. It isn't worth it... 2:12 a.m. - 2003-02-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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