But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just Sad I don't care who knows anymore, who finds me, who thinks I am a freak if they do know me... My name is Gwendolyn Nicole, but I go by Gwen. There, I said it. It feels so strange going by dimstar all the time... So today was a rotten day. I gained six pounds overnight, vowed not to eat and binged. The story of my life. My brother and I got into a huge fight about whether illegal aliens should be allowed to stay in the country. He is so heartless. He said that anyone trying to get over the border should be shot. That all Mexicans should be deported because they are lazy and suck up funds. What about the men and women that practically break their backs in the fields for minimum wage? What about the children who would otherwise be starving? He said that they should die. I couldn't believe it. Rage filled me. This is America, not some third world country. I told him he might as well shave his head while he was at it. That earned me the title of Bitch for the rest of the night. We calls me so many awful things. I believe him. The one that stabbed me like a knife in the chest was "Cum guzzling gutter slut." I know he thinks I am a slut because of that night... Tears sprang into my eyes. I pray for death. I couldn't make myself take my insulin. After all, does it really matter? My dreams are so much better than any reality which life throws me. I dream of traveling along the ocean, being empty, seeing the beautiful sun and driving around with old friends. It is always my mom's screechy irritated voice that drags me into reality. "What is your blood sugar? This house is a mess! You don't need to slop around all day!" I have no energy. I am not allowed caffeine anymore. I know that isn't what is making my heart rate so high, but let them think what they want. No more Metabolife... We shall see about that. I didn't take any today but it seems to keep me from bingeing. I need to purge. I need to puke everything up I have ever eaten. Then I need to take 50 Dulcolax. I will probably buy those this weekend... So many people called and asked me to do something with them. Why? I want to curl up in a hole and sink through the floor, forgotten. 11:47 p.m. - 2003-02-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
||||||