But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Freaking Out At The Thought Of The Hospital I am freaking out. I tried on a bunch of my old pants. They are way too big. I don't look any different. I said to myself, "Whats the deal? I weigh 95 pounds. Thats a f*n lot." But despite everything I say to myself the truth is my pants are too big. The pants that my friends try and borrow and can't fit in to. The friends that I consider thin. What the hell is wrong with me? As I was packing I realized I have made myself pretty sick in the past few months. I debated about doing some laundry so I would actually have some clothes I liked, but then I told myself, "You aren't going in the fricken hospital!" Then it sunk in. I most likely am. Any doctor would have to be pretty damn stupid to not admit me at this point, and, after all, I am going to Stanford. Shit. So now I am totally wigging out with this new realization. The only comfort I have is that I am 95 pounds and I am not eating today. If worst comes to worst, I have my laxatives. I have my cell phone and some nearby friends. I also just found my lighter. If I get starved I can binge/purge in the hospital. It isn't too hard. I had many roomies who did it. O crap, what am I saying? If I go in it should be to work on getting better... not f'n worse. I feel so sick and tired. I need a life. I just can't gain weight! ARRRRRRRRRRRRGHHH! What am I going to do? Maybe I won't get admitted.... Maybe I should just completely binge and satisfy my need for food before the appointment. Maybe I should shut up and fast. What to do, what to do... After all, I can lose when I get out, right? Sorry to be such a bother.If I do get admitted I am going to miss my readers and friends that I have acquired here. If I don't respond by Sunday, it is because I got admitted. I might type more today before we leave. Take care everyone. Love Dimstar 10:52 a.m. - 2003-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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