But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -Sharing the Not So Secret Secret True to my word, I didn't go to school today. I just don't care anymore, and I too embarassed to face another human being on the face of the earth. I confessed to my mom today that I haven't been taking care of my diabetes for months. I told her how I only take my insulin when I really need to, like when I am throwing large ketones, (such as this morning) or like the time I passed out. I was on her bed crying. I never used to cry, yet that seems to be all that I do anymore. She said that I have to go to school, that I have to graduate. I told her I don't care, that it doesn't matter, that I am going to die anyway because I hate myself so much. She said I need to go into treatment again. I said, "You know it won't do any good, I have been in countless times, and all I heard last time was that I was chronic and I was going to die." She said, "But you need help." I said, "I see a therapist, doctor, and two nurses every week." "But they don't seem to do you much good," she replied. "My nurse and therapist do. Its me mom. I am just so screwed up. I wish I was dead." She didn't want to leave me, I had to tell her it was okay to go to work. I am such an awful daughter, putting this onto her. Quite frankly at this point I don't think I would fight being put into a treatment center too hard. I hate what I am doing to her, to the whole family. I can tell how disgusted my brother is with me, how desperate my mom is. No one should subject anyone to the torture that I have put them through. I am going to try really hard not to binge and purge today. I hate it, and I hate what it does to those around me. Also, it doesn't do anything for me anymore. I gained weight today. I am now 98. O joy. When I stepped on the scale and saw that I thought, "Oh yea, and a big fuck you to you too!" I must really be losing it. On a better note, I really want to thank Crystalight for being such a sweetie. She has e-mailed me with support and encouragement, and it is just such a nice gesture. I am so grateful for the friends that I do have. I am sure that some people are disgusted with this, and I am sorry. It is just who I am, what I have become, and I feel this need to let it all out on this journal, or else take it out with a bottle of Tylenol and a razor. I promise that when I have a good day I will share every detail. Until then, take care. *Dimstar 7:47 a.m. - 2003-01-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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