But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Don't Eat My Foods! It is 6:14pm and I am still in my pajamas. I did absolutely nothing today except lie in bed, rush to the bathroom, pray that my stomach would quit hurting, and eat rice cakes and sugar-free jello. What a life. A part of me wants to take a shower, get dressed, call some friends and see if they want to go out, but that takes too much energy. I can't even get myself to take a shower. I should have taken advantage of the fact that I am home alone and have been all day, but no... I sleep. I swear, I could sleep for twenty years. I am too afraid to live. Only six months until my 18th birthday, and I am terrified. All I spend my time doing is starving, bingeing, purging, stepping on and off the scale, praying no one will call me... I don't even have my permit yet. I could have gone to the DMV today, but instead I spent time in bed, thinking about what my mom will buy from Costco, holding my distended stomach, and shitting my brains out. Dulcolax. The reason for the warm steady streams of diahhrea, the reason for the exhaustion, the reason for the pain. The bearer of nausea, the bearer of weight loss. What put me in ICU numerous times by screwing up my heart. Yet I don't quit. What pushed me over the edge to take them last night was my brother eating my two bags of Orville Redenbackers mini rice cakes. I had just bought them, and when I went into his room there were the two empty bags. He and his friends had finished them off! I yelled at him, and his reply was, "Well, you eat all my food!" I completely lost it. "You asshole!" I screamed. He ran into my mom's room and yelled, "Mom! She's gone nuts." I told my mom what he did, tears in my eyes, and she said, "Al, you know better than to eat your sister's rice cakes! They are like buying expensive air!" I was furious and screamed, "You can eat anything you want! You don't have to worry about your weight, yet you eat the one thing that even if I binge on it I don't have to throw up!" My mom said, "I don't think he knew it meant all that." She made sure to get me more, but the damage was done. Me, the fat bitchy pig. I walked into my room, popped 10 Dulcolax, then began a binge of rice krispy treats and cookies. I ate until I could eat no more, than fell asleep. I woke up a few hours later to vomit, then remembered I couldn't because of the blood. O well. At least I had skipped my insulin. I am so incompitent, I am bound to die this way... 6:14 p.m. - 2003-01-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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