But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Puking Blood and Public Speaking Today was a not-so-great day. I was going to fast but by the time school got out I was ravenous, so my mom took me to the donut shop. That was just great, as you can imagine. I ate three large donuts with a chicken sandwich and some ice cream, then, hit by a sudden wave of exhaustion, fell asleep for about an hour. When I woke up I felt very nauseated and went to throw up, and I saw blood swirling around in my puke.I thought, "No, it's just my imagination. There is no way I am throwing up blood." and then I got a rude shock. After I finished I spit in the sink (yea, believe it or not, I threw up in the bathroom) and there was alot of blood. Shit. So now I have to quit puking for a while. I simply don't know what I am going to do. I can't quit bingeing, and I am actually losing weight by bingeing/purging. I was 98 this morning. I think I am going to just start taking laxatives again. I figure if I take 15-50 a day I should slowly but steadily lose weight, or my appetite. I don't care about anything right now. I deserve to die. My dad sent my brother a letter saying he should feel free to call him collect anytime. I haven't talked to my dad in thirteen years, and I was four at the time. My brother was two and doesn't even remember him. No one should love me. I deserve to burn in hell. One of these days my heart will give out and I shall die in my sleep. Cause of death? Malnutrition. Until then I am doomed to live in this pathetic utter existence. We had a Community meeting at school today, which is basically just a catch up assembly. I was sure that I was prepared, but then no one told me I was going to be called to the podium to speak about why I decided to join ASB. Shit! I had to come up with an answer quick, and I am sure that I sounded like a fucking idiot, even though everyone assured me that I actually sounded the best. Whatever. I swear, I such a screw up. I am close to no one, so far away from reality. I am so scared to live, yet to young to die. Maybe I will be taken away in the night... 8:10 p.m. - 2003-01-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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