But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Royal Fuck Up Rambles As I stood in the shower tonight I realized how much I hate myself. I wish I was dead. I am such a terrible person. Such a terrible, ugly, mean, fat person. I am not even worthy of being called a person. More like a thing. The Bitch. I am so pathetic. I just lie around all day, binge, read, go online, sleep, and purge. I am afraid to answer the phone for reasons that I can't even explain. My fat jiggles all over my body. I eat just to vomit. I am gross. I have no future. I am so afraid to move out into the world. I tried to throw up three times tonight, but no matter how hard I tried not everything would come up. I NEED IT TO COME UP!! Now I will have to deal with a higher number on the scale, and a satisfied stomach. What in the hell is wrong with me? I deserve to die. I should be taken out and shot. Maybe I will get lucky and pass out in a puddle of vomit and drowned. Of course, with my luck, someone would find me in that humiliating state before I died. I don't know why I am so sad. I don't know why I have no self control. I should. All I want, more than anything in the world, is to be a pediatrician. I would do anything for that, but I am too wrapped up in my own hell and too stupid to ever achieve that goal. Fuck me. Someone wanna shoot me? There are no more graham crackers in the house. I ate the whole box. There is no more gingerbread ice cream. There are Oreos, I even have a bag in my top drawer. For reasons I can't explain, it is a comfort to have them there. I want to take 100 Ducolax. That would keep me sick for days. Sick enough not to binge. Something has gotta snap, because tomorrow never comes... 9:45 p.m. - 2003-01-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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