But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Old Poem Hey Guys, I wrote this a few years ago when I was in LPCH Stanford Hospital. It is still my favorite, though it isn't very good. It was sort of a fantasy of mine to die this way.... Tonight is the night of 1,000 complaints, the top on being I lie here in restraints. They shoved that hose up my nose, and I fight with all my might as my stomach grows. "Don't kick you're sick," they say, "You'll stop your heart. Then we'll have to bring up the crash cart." I keep on going, I don't care, it's just those calories I can't bare. Then I hear a ringing, out runs my nurse screaming, "Code blue!" she yells, "Who?" I ask, "You!" she screams, and then the room goes black. I wake up in ICU, not days, not weeks, but six months later. "What happened?" I ask. "You were sick," they say. "Will I be able to take advantage of every day?" I know the answer is what I dread, she looks down and whispers, "In two months you'll be dead." "What did I do?" I say, "To let my body get this way?" She looks at me in shock and says, "You mean you don't remember? You came here half starved in November. You wouldn't eat, you believed you were fat, you've gained 40 pounds, yet all the ribs stick out on your back!" The doctor looks mournfully at me and begins to cry, I say, "I'm not supposed to be this way, I never wanted to die!" And no matter how hard I try, I can't remember why. Day after day here I lie, until there is no breath and on the inside I cry, "I'm sorry God, I'm sorry friends, it wasn't supposed to end this way, I love you and good-bye!"
11:38 p.m. - 2003-01-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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