But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unproductive Day I felt very tired today. I finally managed to crawl out of bed at 2:30 in the afternoon. "I am not going to eat today," I told myself. That didn't last too long. My grandparents sent up an angelfood cake. I was gone from there. I added whipped cream, and caremel to it. Then I followed that with an omelette. I chased that down with four pieces of bread. That was followed by four oatmeal cookies, three cups of grapes, a shake, and two cereal bars. I weighed 96 pounds this morning. I don't know why I am gaining. I hate it. My only thought is it is because I am retaining water. My doctor called today to say that my labs show that I am extremely overhydrated. Go figure huh? I am chronically thirsty and yet I am overhydrated. The burn on my arm has turned to a blister. It itches like mad yet I am afraid to scratch it. I don't want it to ooze all over the place. It is a comforting mark. I want to burn my whole arm until all it is is a big red field of blisters. It is so comforting. It stands to remind me of what a terrible person I have become. I need to lose more weight. I cannot believe how long I have been bingeing. Except for my days in the hospital I have not gone one day in four months without a binge. The toilet has begun to grow a strange bacteria along the rim from my puking. The dogs have grown fat. I have grown lazy, selfish, tired, and uncontrollable. My mom has grown broke. Thank you bulimia. I sit here debating whether to throw up the grapes. I have been gaining weight. However I feel lazy. I am playing with my stomach muscles deciding whether they will come up or if I will black out trying. I need some Stackers 3. I have heard they are quite good. I need to start smoking again. I need alot of things that I really don't. Thank you everyone who signs my guestbook. In everyone's remarks to my soda; my doctors actually suggested that I drink caffeine free diet sodas. They said they are about as good for me as water and will hydrate me. Victoria, you leave so many sweet notes in my guestbook but I don't know how to contact you. Xu, same to you. Thank you Andria for praying for me, and Wolfstone for always having something positive to say. You are all so wonderful! I hope that you are all having a wonderful day. Take care. Love Gwen 9:05 p.m. - 2003-02-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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