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But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Thanks to my Diarylanders :)

Reading through my entries, two years ago... I wish I could have updated during my time in Santa Monica, let you see the progress I made, the small slips that I pulled myself out of... I cannot explain how I did it. If only I had let you see my days in recovery, if only I could have.
At my apartment I could not get onto the websites I usually visited. The server would always time out. I tried often, for months, but my attempts yeilded no successes, and, eventually, I had to stop trying to preserve my sanity.
But I missed you. I missed all of you. Diaryland kept me alive during the most difficult times, helped me hang on to a thread of hope. That thread grew into a rope, and on that rope I climbed up.
It wasn't the treatment that made me better, wasn't a change in body image... Simply put, it was the people here, the people who encouraged me... Dana, Jewlz, Lisa, Lindy, Sofia, Bonnie, Silver80, Emaciana, Lola, Rooster24, InfinityFye, Autumn, Clare, Claire, Nic, Sharla (where are you?) Sarah Mason, Elizabeth, Sarah, Aninsight, Mirrors-lie,Hel,Every single person on my buddy list....
So many I cannot name off the top of my head but who are nonetheless important.
Time and distance from my family are also a large factor. Right now, in my current, struggling mode, if I went back to my mother's hell, to the house of drugs and sadness, I would not try. I would give in, give up, block it all out. It has only become darker there, more sad, alone. My mother is sleeping with a gun under her pillow again as thieves rob her in the night... Sadly, they do it during the day as well.
I do not know how I stopped binging and purging, stopped running my blood sugars higher than believed possible... I chose to live because I was existing, knew I wouldn't die, but would only survive...
After all this, after everything, I still struggle. I find it difficult to eat without counting calories, force myself to eat more than the alloted amount daily... Its been five days, five days where I have eaten normally, and I still fear gaining weight... But the fear is a part of me, it does not rule or consume me.
I am not 100 percent better. I lost weight too quickly recently, ate too little, worried too much this summer... But, the difference is, I am pulling myself up. The monster, the dark, cold, all consuming monster that once hugged me, sat silently, slowly choking, is no longer ruler. It is inside, part of me, but now it is captive under me... It can and does try to escape, at times might pull me down, but it does not have me in a throat hold.
I can never, ever thank everyone here enough for their support. You all are a huge reason, more than you will ever know, of why I am alive today.

1:11 AM - Thursday, Aug. 23, 2007
3 comments

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