But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Pathetic.. Just Pathetic... I didn't go to school again today. My blood sugar was so high that I was peeing every ten minutes. I am so ahead that I figured it doesn't really matter. I don't want to be there. I don't want to exist. I know that this is a slow suicide that I am commiting, and yet I don't really care anymore. I just sort of hope that I will die, but I keep going. I just hope that someday things will get better. My mom is so mad at me, and I don't blame her. For the past two weeks I have been the worst daughter in the world. She asks me to clean, and I get mad. In fact, anything she asks me makes me angry. I think it is because she knows what foods I binge on, and yet she keeps on stocking the fridge with them. I just binge, purge, and sleep lately. I woke up at 4:00am and binged... It is so hard. I hate it so much. My mom gets mad because of our outrageous food bill, my brother because I eat all the good foods in the house. I don't know what happened to me. I am lucky that my weight isn't higher. I am still fat, so so fat, but I suppose it could be much worse, like when I left the hospital last year at 126 pounds, but it is still bad. I have never lacked self control as much as I do now. My weight is up to 100 pounds, and not long ago, about two months ago, it was 89. Everyone who praises someone who is so embarrased about their body for gaining weight only makes it worse. You look good translates to You are fat. Every person I have ever met with an eating disorder agrees, even though they all respond with a smile and a, "Thank You." I hate it so much. I can hurt myself so much worse than anyone can hurt me. I know that I am slowly dying, that it won't be long until I am in a coma, but I wish it would come sooner than later. I hate the wait. The wait is the worst. (Melissa, if you are reading this, I'm sorry. I know that this shit depresses you.) I actually did have some fun today. Melissa and Linda came over and decided that I needed to get out of my house, so they came over and got me. Melissa and I saw two movies, Maid in Manhatten and... cant remember the name... Jeez I am stupid... anyways, it is a comedy wedding movie. Then we went to Mc Donalds and my binge had already begun. I knew that I would throw up when I got home.I need food. I always need food. I had already eaten a bag of Oreos and four rice cakes, so when we went to Mc Donalds I got two fajitas and and a fruit and yogurt parfait. Then when we went to the second show I bought a king size bag of Reese's Pieces. To top it all off, when I came home there was Domino's pizza on the table, along with those new Dots. So I ate three pieces of pizza, four dots, and two more quarts of ice cream with about five oreos... I just waited until I couldn't handle it anymore. I had made my weight go up to 106 from bingeing, and when I threw up it was back down to 101, even after I drank two Diet Cokes. Yes, I hate this. Yes, I am scared. Yes, I believe death would be easier. My mom is trying to put me back into the hospital, but my insurance refuses. I am "chronic." Aka, they won't pay for anything else. Not that I blame them. I have rung up almost two million dollars in hospital bills. They are just waiting for me to die. They say that I don't want to change. What do they know? I hate this so much. I must have killed someone in my past life, if there is such a thing, to deserve this. Okay, don't pitty me, I do deserve it. When I was in middle school I was top of my class, involved in everything, and everyone expected me to reach my dreams. My dream to be a CFIDDM pediatrician. Now, that goal is unfathomable. I am just trying to survive. I would kill myself if it wasn't for my friends. I live for them. Especially Tali, because she understands. I love you girl. Everyone else is trying to help me that knows what I am going through, like Melissa. Thanks hon. Well I guess that is about all. I'm tired, thirsty, my throat hurts, my face is swollen, and my legs are very cramped. Will this ever end? Sorry to rant so much. I am throwing my own pity party here. Take care. You guys are wonderful. 2:22 a.m. - 2003-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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