But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Out of Darkness

Today I woke and the world just seemed a bit brighter, more welcoming, and more fresh. Last night, before I went to bed, I said, "I'm sorry Jesus, I'm sorry I said I didn't believe in you, because I do. I'm sorry I said believing in the 'Bible' was like believing in 'The Chronicles of Narnia'..."
Because deep down I didn't believe it. Deep down I immediately felt empty as soon as I said I didn't believe in Jesus and tried to forget about God. And as ridiculous as it sounds, though my life wasn't going perfect before, afterwards it was going much worse.
I also believe I found the cause of my few miserable days, where I felt as if sorrow had taken over my being. I don't know if it is possible, but perhaphs... What happenned is I take my medications in the dark. I take Lexapro, but I also have Celexa left over. I also take Lipitor, Protonix, etc... But I realized I took Celexa for a few days in a row, and then I started feeling very, very sad. As if the whole world had been pulled out from underneath me, replaced by everything that humanity conceals behind fragile smiles, the tormenting secrets poured into memory, pushed down for so long. I could not express it. I could only try my best to vomit it up, sleep it away, hide from the truth, but not expose it.
Today I am better. But today I still only ate 600 calories. I feel more energetic, however. I have cut out junk food, and my sugars are under better control. I have quite a bit of weight to lose. You hear of people gaining the freshman fifteen? I gained the freshman 30, and over two years, the 50. I do not have that sneering voice that calls me names any longer. No, if I do have anything, it is a logical voice that says, "If you diet you will save money. You will look better. You will feel better. Your sugars will be better if you quit living on junk food!"
So yes, I am safely dieting now, starting with 600-1200 calories a day. It would be more, if I had an appetite, but recently I do not. I find myself only wanting candy, candy which I do not need. But not hungry. And lethargic from sweets.
I hope I can do this. I hope that I am not setting myself up for something again... My logical mind says I am heading right back to an eating disorder... But I don't know... My mind isn't yelling at me, demanding I do this. Also, I realize I can't do math. If I can't do math, I can't be a doctor. If I can't be a doctor, I do not want to be anything...
And someday I will be nothing at all. If I can't serve those in need why serve myself?

1:34 AM - Monday, Mar. 07, 2005
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dying - living