But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast.

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Dark

I am okay. I took my insulin. I stayed up until 5:00am, doing nothing except staring at the ceiling, and then I was finally able to doze off. My feelings haven't changed. I am still so sad. I miss people. I miss my friends. I feel like I will never see them again, and that is probably true about the vast majority. People come, and then they leave, and all we have is memories. But most of all I miss Jori. And I worry about her so much. If it wasn't for me she wouldn't have developed an eating disorder. She wouldn't be vomiting in bags in her bedroom, crying about her looks, going to bed hungry...If she hadn't taken care of me two years ago, when I was at my sickest point, if she hadn't had to see that...
Somedays, I think the whole world will turn black. And when you touch it the soot will rub off on your hands, and the whistling wind will blow it away, up the chimney. And slowly everything will disintegrate, even the sun. Everything will be shades of gray, black, and so bitterly cold.
There is no color. It is dark. And it is so cold. The cold bites at the flesh, while fever heats the face. Flesh against flesh. Sickness against health. A battle in the dark. It seems like it will last for eternity.

5:40 PM - Sunday, Dec. 19, 2004
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dying - living