But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confusion in Dichotomy I want to be you. Yes you, as you read this entry. And you think, "You don't want to be me, believe me." But I do. I want to be you. You are the beautiful people. I want to be one too. But I am not one of the beautiful people, so I can never be you. Somehow the days keep moving. Tomorrow I will have been here six weeks. I feel scraped raw, afraid, and of what I do not know. The meds keep this feeling at a distance, but I know it is there. It lingers in the background, waiting to attack. A darkness that swallows all. Do I consume it, or does it consume me? They tell me over and over again that I am a good person. That I do not need to punish myself. That I am working hard. And I feel like such a fraud. I listen to them, do what they want, and to them I am good. I deny them, follow the commands of the punisher, and I am and bad to them. But good to what I deserve. Catch-22. Am I right? I am myself, so I should know best. Or am I wrong, because they all disagree with me? Or is there too much dichotomy? I listened to them today. I didn't under measure my snack. I didn't punish myself. I ate all my food. And I am glad that I didn't cause a disturbance, but I am so afraid... Tomorrow the scale will punish us all. What am I doing to myself?
9:39 p.m. - 2004-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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