But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Answer Me Each day seems to become more difficult. I have lost sight of who I am. I no longer want to eat. I pray that the night swallows me whole. The past two days have been the hardest. With each trip to the toilet I have to will myself to keep from vomiting, to digest these calories, to make them me. But I know not who I am. All I know is that they add to the confusion. More confusion and misery is being unveiled in therapy. Flashbacks. They are terrible. I know not how to survive them. In the past I could burn my flesh, punish myself, starve, rid my body of what caused them. Punish myself for them. But nutrition feeds them. And they destroy me. I find myself in a dark room, huddled on the floor, demanding my body to get up, to comply, but my mind is somewhere else. In another time, in another place. A place worse than Hell. And I shake, freezing, unresponsive, praying that no one will come in, that they will leave me alone. My soul is stripped naked, it is the worst form of humiliaton. They cannot see me when I cannot control my emotions. I live in the past. I live in fear. I live in fear of not knowing what I will become. Please, someone, tell me, will I survive, or will I die from this? I need an answer. I am screaming for one! But their lips are sealed. It is up to you, they say. But I cannot say. Who am I? 10:15 p.m. - 2004-05-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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