But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Good-Bye Scale I should be gone. My aunt should be here right now, but she isn't. I will be back in a few days and I will update then. I am scared to go on the trip. I am afraid that I will continue to binge, gain weight, etc... That I will not have the energy for this trip. Last night I ate everything in sight. I promised myself that I wouldn't, I even took some insulin to bring down my sugars after I purged. But it was no use. I needed to eat to sleep. I needed to sleep to have energy today. I cannot sleep without eating. I cannot sleep without high sugars. I can't keep energy without insulin... What a catch-22. But here is something amazing. I am leaving behing the scale. I have lugged that thing all over the country with me, even snuck it into medical hospitals. But I decided I am leaving it behind. It seems to be screaming at me from the bathroom. "You bitch! You need me! You are nothing without me. You will get fat. You will lose all control!" But I know this is not true. It is the keeper. The torturer. Like an abusive parent, I love it but I hate it. So I say good-bye. I can survive without it for a few days, can't I? I can. And I will. Some will scoff at this, thinking, "It is just a scale. Jeez, let go of the security blanket already." But it is so much more than that. It has become the dictator of my life. I am ruled by the number each day. I can feel like a feather will knock me over, but a lower number makes me feel strong enough to go on, to conquer the world. I could feel healthy and happy, step on the scale, have gained weight, and my world crumbles around me, an invisible eclipse covers the sun. So I leave it. Wish me luck. Let us see how I do. My resolution is to leave the scale, take more insulin, and relax. Forget that I have an eating disorder for just a few days. Good luck to me, as I sit here with a "HI" sugar, glugging Diet Coke. But I can do it. Once I leave Hell City. Once I leave the darkness and enter the light of a city where no one knows me, I can pretend not to know myself, be someone else... And being anyone but me is okay by me. 7:53 a.m. - 2004-04-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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