But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Desparate for Salvation Lying in bed, bouts between sleep and wake, crying and nightmares, or is at all just one big nightmare? Last night I couldn't stay here. So I didn't. I tried to walk out the door in the rain but my mom wouldn't get out of my way. Anger consumed me. I pushed her. She fell down. I felt terrible. My brother gladly handed me the money for a motel. I spent the night at Motel 6. Alone. Scared. But better then being at Hell House. Then today I returned. Mom yelled at me. It turns out it was her money. She yelled at me about that. Told me next time I can stay at a homeless shelter. She is not forking out the money every time I throw a tizzy. But I can't stay here... This house consumes me, and I consume it. Who will win? One will win, and I am the weaker. I shall be defeated. There are so many people out there who want to help. And I feel so awful for seeming like I am unnaccepting. But it isn't that. It is here. I cannot be here and recover. I need to escape. She tells me I am awful. No good. Useless. I cleaned the house. My room. I try to be nice. I get another A. All she says is, "Hurry up! Finish your test!" I bang my head on the wall while reaching for a can. They all just sigh at me, the big burden. I say they want me dead. They say nothing to that. They don't disagree... Money. It is her big thing. Bills. And and control. "You can't do that." "Why?" "You are too sick!" "Can I do anything? How come my little brother can do more than me when I am 18?" "Because he is well. You aren't. Someone needs to control you." I am doomed. Scared. Dying in my own home. Wanting recovery, but no longer sure if it is possible, or even worth it. Someone save me from myself...
12:24 a.m. - 2004-03-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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