But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A Safety Slowly I open my eyes. I am still here, still alive, but why? My chest hurts, and I am so weak. I sit up and my heart feels ready to jump out of my chest. Take the pulse. 150. Perhaphs I shouldn't stand for a few minutes... I must get up. I must. I have class tonight... So finally I do. And after some caffeine and walking around the house slowly for a bit I think I can make it. My mom says, "Gwennie, look at you. You have lost so much weight again. You are back to the same old stuff. You sleep all day, drink tons of Diet Coke, you are dying!" Perhaphs it is the way she says it, or the way she looks at me, but I deny it. To protect her? To protect myself? I do not know. "I am fine! I am not losing that much weight." "Yes you are." "Fine Mom." And the discussion is over. I drag myself to class. I sit through a lecture I cannot take in, because my mind is consumed with what I am going to binge on later, how I am going to lose just a few more pounds, and blankness. Because I am sick. And I am. I do not deny it. It is mainly my poor diabetes control, to be sure. The other day my nurse said there was no way I should still be alive. That I am meant to be something, so I need to get better. But how can I get better when I am bent on destruction? My dog goes in for surgery in three hours. That is why I cannot sleep. And I sit here, bingeing, worrying, hoping he will make it through ok... I am scared. They say I will lose my vision and kidneys soon. That I will need dialysis and a special keyboard to type. That I will hate it... And I am terrified. If that is true I will gladly accept death. Let it come, take me away. Peace. No more pain. Banished hunger, forgotten thirst, a life with the angels, dances among the stars, No Hell, for this is Hell, constant fear, endless pain... And laughter, laughter so happy it will spring tears... And the last breath will escape the lips, to find its way to eternity, to everlasting safety, to peace... 4:29 a.m. - 2004-02-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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