But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Worth Nothing Wake up, doused in sweat, lights swirling, nauseated... Take another injection. Head back to bed. Dream dreams that mean nothing, yet you wish they meant something. Get up again, walk to the kitchen. Drink two liters of chocolate soy milk, some turkey, bread, cereal, pie, toaster pastries.... Mom's words, running through your head, "You need to eat!" I do eat. I eat, and eat, and eat. I then guzzle a few Diet Cokes and head outside, behind the trees, and let the sickeningly sweet thickness of waste pour out of me. Thousands of calories, say good-bye. Stumble back in, eat some more, head back to bed, to tired to purge again. The scale. The scale screams, "You gained 5.5 pounds you bitch!" Turn around, walk away. Don't look back. Cry silently. Vow never to eat again, knowing that is impossible. Vow to skip insulin, knowing that I will, even though it terrifies me. Sugars are too high for the meter to read, scared shitless, go back to bed... It isn't worth it, none of it is... 7:36 p.m. - 2004-01-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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