But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silently Struggling, But Not I am okay, truly. So much has happened since I have last updated, yet so little. In the end it is all the same. The pounds slowly drift off, but they are never enough. I suppose that they will never be enough. I left treatment at 120, managed to get up to 130, and now I am at 105. My days are filled with studying and a fear of death. I am constantly tired. I am consumed with exhaustion, an ache in my heart, but a will to go on. To go on for what I am not sure, but a stubborness to not be defeated by this illness. I long to be loved. To be held. But if anyone truly knew me they could not love me. My best friend, the one person who truly knew me, who understood me, is gone. She went to Georgia. I hate it. I am selfish, but I want her here. Right now I am at a sleepover, with two people I truly trust, who I care about, and I want them to understand, but they cannot, so I will not try to show them. The high sugars are killing me. I feel it. The weight loss is killing me. I feel it. THIS eating disorder is killing me. I feel it. I AM GOING TO DIE. I feel it. It all depends on how long I can breathe in each jagged breath, take each step, stand each bit of sweat seeping from my pores, how long I can hold in this scream.... But I am a fighter, as you all know. 1:31 a.m. - 2003-12-13 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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