But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tired Life is a dream, and all the dreams are dreams. � Shakespeare. Mine seems to be a nightmare. I drift in and out of reality, not sure what to do, what to say, how to eat. How to breathe. Yet I am still here. I am still here and I don�t know why. I wish I wasn�t. The police came to my house today. My mom called them on me. Yesterday we had a huge fight. She never remembers me. It is as if I am not around. Maybe I�m not. I cried. She yelled at me. She grabbed my arms and shook me. I screamed out in pain and surprise. She yanked down my sleeves. She began to cry and scream. The cuts on my arm. She saw the red marks that are my outlet for pain. They are bad. I realize that. Open, gaping wounds on my arm. And I like them. I know it is sick, but I like them. I do not have to speak. I do not have to cry. No more tears, just drops of blood. I feel sedated. I am going through the motions, but for what? I do not need life. It serves no purpose to me. I am a drain on the world. I am so sad. I could cry a thousand tears, scream a million times, lose 20 pounds, but it would make no difference. The sadness hovers like a black shadow, engulfing everything, leaving sorrow in its wake. I curl up. I beg for sleep. To not wake up. I skip my insulin. Sweat pours down my forehead. My heart pounds. I am sick. I am so, so sick. Ketones take over my blood. My breath smells of fermenting fruit, my urine of stale glucose. Yet I hang on. I hang on and silently scream for help. I know I need something. My mom wants me to go into a psych hospital. My therapist wants me to go as well. I can�t afford it. Part of me wants to go as well, but I never will. I am too proud. I can take care of myself. I am not an invalid. I refuse to be a burden on society any longer. Jory saw my arm. She began to cry. Why? I am so tired. So tired�.. Give me the strength to hang on over the weekend. My mom�s birthday is Saturday. 10:26 p.m. - 2003-10-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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