But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unescapable Pull yourself up. Get up. You need to get up. It is so hard. Recovery. I feel like I have fallen into a relapse. I am so scared. Binge, purge, skip the insulin. Drink three-twelve packs of Diet Coke. Eat more. Two loaves of bread, six candy bars, a jar of Nutella, thirty cookies, five cups of stir fry... The hunger. It refuses to go away. When it doesn't plague my body it plagues my mind. I beg God to make it stop. "Please God, just help me eat normally. Just for today. Please." I try. I try but eventually the demon pushes me. I find myself standing over the white porcelain toilet bowl, sinuses burning, everything flooding out, begging to be set free. I wake up during the night. I have to urinate. I am hungry. It feels as if an elephant is kicking me in the chest. Acid burns at the back of my throat. So I consume everything in my sight. Gorge. Fall back asleep. Wake up an hour later, drenched in sweat, vision blurry, heart racing, and nauseated. I tread outside. I vomit. This continues throughout the night. I will try tomorrow. I will try tomorrow. Gwen, what in the hell have you done? 11:42 p.m. - 2003-09-20 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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