But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Drainer Of Life Cindy is gone. She didn't eat at all yesterday. I ate for her. I ate everything within reach. I didn't purge. Until today. I ended up throwing up in the morning, after consuming a whole box of graham crackers. My therapist came over along with my social worker to help decide what to do to my room to make it seem liveable. It was a mess. I was going to clean it, but I never got around to it. I was babysitting early in the morning, and was swimming late into the night last night. Needless to say, they were appalled at how messy I had let it get. On their way out my mom cornered my therapist to "Speak with her." She doesn't have consent. My mom's goal is to have me locked up forever. I will not be her accomplice in such a terrible crime towards myself. Then, this afternoon, I came back from my therapists to hear her say, "I had all your prescriptions transferred."j "Mom, you didn't have to do that, I would have." I didn't say it in a mean tone, but a thankful tone. As I stood at the blender making a mocha she screamed, "You fucking ungrateful bitch! You are so horrible. I am glad you are leaving. You can't stay here!" I slammed down the blender before reality checked me. Shards of glass flew everywhere. Immediately I set in on cleaning it. She grabbed me from behind, and kept on lunging towards me. My instinct was to push her away, but I refrained. I knew that would be an excuse for her to call the police. Yelling screaming, tears streaming down my face. "Your brother and I never did anything bad to you, but you sure as hell have done a lot to us!" "Mom, I can leave right now if you want." "No!" She lunged towards me again, fists shaking, a look as if to kill in her eyes. "You are not going anywhere. Someone is going to get guardianship of you! You little bitch! You destroy everything of mine. That picture was the last one I had of you when from you were innocent. Before you became this dark evil thing." I cried. Tears streamed down my face as I attempted to clean up the mess. "You know I am going to make a report to the police. When you get enough they will do something. You will be locked up forever." "Go ahead!" I sobbed, "I don't care. You didn't even like that picture. You never take any pictures!" "I care Gwen. Because that is when you were good. Before you went to live with your aunt. Before you just needed everything and became a black hole." "I was sick! You sent me there. I have diabetes mom. That is why I went! Are you going to blame that on me?" "Well, you wanted to go." "You didn't even give me a choice. I was only in sixth grade!" Finally she left. I binged. I ate everything and anything. I tried to drown it all out with food. Thirty minutes later I get a call. "I am so sorry," through sobs, "I will leave for a few days. I should have never said that. That was so mean of me." "Mom, its okay. Don't worry about it." I didn't care anymore. All I cared about was the fullness I felt. "No, I will stay out here on the land." We own a fixer-upper on ten acres. There is no heating, no air conditioning, and it has been robbed numerous times. No one could live out there now. "Mom, come home." "No, what I did was terrible. You need a break from me." She talked to Paul and my brother, who had been glowering at me ever since Paul told him that we had gotten into a fight. "What the fuck did you say to mom?" Paul told him what had happened. He quicky became quiet. Paul told him how as soon as I walked into the door Mom went off on me. I decided to take a shower and rinse the chocolate out of my hair. Then I leaned over the toilet bowl in my mom's bathroom, thought for half a minute, then vomited. I had managed to consume around 7,000 calories in my binge. Finally, ridded of all feeling, I rinsed off in freezing water. Mom came home. She called and asked what we wanted from the store. I wanted nothing. Alex asked for hot pockets. She was willing to buy anything. Food, the present that states, "I love you, I'm sorry, I want to take care of you. See what I do for you?" Extremely kind. Terribly guilty. That is how she acted when she walked in. She gave me a brand new Victoria's Secret eye shadow kit, and a robe. I left with a few friends to buy soda and cigarettes. I went over to M's house and we talked for a long time about her sister, who has become very bulimic, and has been since 7th grade. Her brother, who has such severe lukemia that he will never be fully in remission and has had three heart attacks and two strokes. She gave me a pedicure, one of her favorite hobbies. It was so nice to get out. We also talked about my bingeing. Everyone notices. It has become terrible. I hate it. I am so scared. My therapist jokingly said, "Wouldn't it be astonishing if you went completely the other way and weighed 300 pounds?" It could happen. I am so scared. I skipped all insulin today, and purged. I cannot gain weight. Hope lost, dreams fallen. In a black hole all time eventually stops. Lost time, abandoned faith, concealed secrets, happiness gone.... I am the black hole. I will suck the life out of you until you are an empty shell. A shell where only sorrow and pity dwell, where anger thrives, where death begs to consume. 1:32 a.m. - 2003-09-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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