But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sleep Binges I have never taken a sleeping medication before. "Please God, let this work." I pop the 5mg tablet of Ambien into my mouth. Within half an hour I feel calm and woozy. Everything seems like a dream. I try to type messages on my e-mail. "Gwen, go to bed, you look like you are high," my brother says. I take his advice. "Yes, I will actually not wake up and binge in the night!" I think. The time is 10:30pm. I hop out of bed and rush to the kitchen. I dive into the fridge. I grab a piece of pizza and dip it in guacomole. I throw the other two in the microwave. I devour that and move onto a tray of Golden Grahams. "No, this isn't happening. I took the damned sleeping meds! Stop!" I can't. I eat and eat and eat. The floor spins beneath me. The dogs stare at me. I could fall asleep on the kitchen floor. I see the TF sign and grey clouds rolling towards me. I stumble to bed. It is only 12:30. 1:10am- I am so thirsty. I walk to the kitchen. I impulsively devour three milk and cereal bars, and then half a box of Reese's Puffs. I drink a liter of flavored fizzy water. I must have woken up ten times last night. I ate everything in my line of sight. In the morning my mom asked me how come there were three boxes of cereal out. I honestly don't remember eating Cocoa Pebbles or Honey Nut Cheerios. I was 95 pounds at the doctors yesterday. Today I am 99.5. The one thing that woke me this morning was my endocrinologist's voice on the answering machine. If she hadn't called I wouldn't have taken my insulin. I wouldn't have cared. I would have given up. It is so hard to take care of your body when your body rebels. The day was going so well before the binge. I have an awesome social worker and nurse who just let me hang out with them in the morning. I made plans for the weekend with some of my friends. One of them is supposed to come over anytime now. I thought I was set. I made sure that my blood sugar was stable before I went to bed, and I ate a huge 200 calorie salad at 10:00pm. I didn't have any caffeine. I put a glass of water next to my bed... Why did I binge? Why? 11:45 a.m. - 2003-03-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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