But The Quest for Beauty is a Beast. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Trigger to Anorexics and Bulimics, beware Today should have been a good day, but all I have anymore is bad days. I spent the night at two of my best friends house last night, and it turns out that my friend Marissa is developing an eating disorder. She has already lost seven pounds and refuses to eat carbs, except we binged while I was there. Nicole skips her insulin like I do alot to lose weight. However, while I take the long acting she skips all of it. I can't stand the feeling of severe DKA, but she says she enjoys it. From not taking her insulin she has lost fifteen pounds since November. I am so jeleous. Then I came home today and ate a bunch of ice cream. The bad part about that was I had to go to a pizza party at 3:00, and it was already 2:30. Before I left my mom and I got in a big fight as to whether she really kicked me out of the house yesterday. I have gotten so mean lately, and I hate it. I never used to be mean. She came up to me and was about ready to slap me, So I shoved her. She twisted my arm so hard I was afraid it might break. No luck. I just got a bad rub burn. Then I left the house crying. What was the fight about, you ask? Yesterday my little cousin and i were playing video games on the computer. My aunt had picked me up an application and I said I would fill it out later and drop it off with one of my friends who was coming by later. She told me that I had to do it right then, before someone else turned it in. My cousin protested because we were having alot of fun. I said that I would do it later. Then she went off on me, saying how if I was going to move out when i was 18 that I needed some money, and how wrong of me it was to not go with her and drop off the application. She told me that if I didn't I could be sucking cunt for the rest of my life, and that I would starve. Like I care. It is so much better than bingeing and purging. Then my saviors came. Just as I was sitting in my room, listening to Eminem and burning myself, M and N arrived. They took me to pick up my prescriptions, which also caused a huge fight, because I needed nine of them, at the cost of $15.00 a piece. My mom threw the money at me. It has been such a long time since I got my prescriptions refilled. I either started rationing my medications to the point where I was afraid that i would go into DKA, and reusing my needles so much that my injections hurt very bad. I am very happy to have them refilled by the way! Of course, I will be rationing these ones as well. I was talking to M and somehow the subject of this guy, we will call him Matt*, and how everyone is talking about how he raped me. I didn't want the whole world to know, but everyone does. I hate myself. I know that I deserved it, and I wish that the police would just drop it. Too late. Today after the party I came home and crashed. My mom actually had her stupid step husband hunt me down at it. Then I woke up, ate some spaghetti, and puked. It is so gross, but my mom finds out when I throw up in the bathroom, so I started doing it in the backyard, and then the dogs usually eat it. I figured out that I can gain eleven pounds from bingeing, as gross as that is. I feel like my stomach is going to rupture before I throw up. My stomach always hurts these days. I just don't care anymore. I dont care if I live, and I dont care if I die. Thank God for my friends, especially Tali. She is the main one who keeps me going, along with everyone else. They are my only hope. I guess that is about all, not like anyone would want to read this load of boring shit. I need to go on E-Bay and try to sell my stupid Beanie Babies to make some mula, even though it will probably go to food for me to binge and barf. Yesterday was bad. I barfed seven times. Ha! And everyone says that I look so much better. Okay, I am ranting. Gotta Go. Take care and God bless to all who read this. 9:34 p.m. - 2003-01-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------- |
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